LAST RESORT HOROSCOPE

"READINGS for THOSE WITH NOTHING TO LOSE."


MARCH 2014

Aries

March 21 - April 19

The stars say, if you really want to know what will happen this week, try reading your own palm.

Taurus

April 20 - May 20

You are HOT, Baby.  The stars say so and so should you!  Go ahead, walk into your job, your neighbor's house, the grocery store or your Pastor's study and yell, "I AM TAURUS AND I AM HOT, BABY!"  Then put your index finger on your upper butt-cheek and make that sizzling sound.  "Pssszzzzzzztttt!"

Gemini

May 21 - June 21 

It'll never heal if you don't stop picking at it.  So stop picking at it, already!

Cancer

June 22 - July 22   

Next Thursday afternoon, you will accidentally turn someone into a newt.

Leo

July 23 - August 22

Leo The Lion.... King Of The Forest.  You will chase a small dog through the woods and be smacked on the nose by a girl named Dorothy.  The stars say, 'Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.'

Virgo

August 23 - September 22

This week, the stars say, "Fill-In-The-Blank".  First, choose your words (and DON'T READ AHEAD!)  Choose:  3 nouns, 1 plural noun, 2 adjectives, 1 adverb and 1 verb ending in 'ing'.

Now, insert them into this horoscope: 

"The stars say that your __(noun)__ will take a turn for the better with __(adjective)__ __(noun)__ in store for you with plenty of __(adverb)__ __(plural noun)__.  But, you must act quickly if your __(adjective)__ __(noun)__ is to have any chance of __(verb ending in 'ing').

Libra

September 23 - October 22

Next Thursday afternoon, someone will accidentally turn you into a newt.

Scorpio

October 23 - November 21

Oh my!  This is bad.  Sorry, but this is really bad.  Next week isn't looking good either.  You don't want to know.  Trust me.

Sagittarius

November 22 - December 21

Aren't you glad that you're a Sagittarius and not a Scorpio?

Capricorn

December 22 - January 19

Your birthday is coming up.  The stars see danger if you drink more than three shots of tequila.

Aquarius

January 20 - February 18

The stars have been in contact with your co-workers.  You're a brown-noser.  Stop it before they kill you.

Pisces

February 19 - March 20 

You will be injured this week but it is not exactly clear how.  That being the case, you should at least try to do it with style:  Put your eye out with a Champagne cork.  Run your Ferrari into a ditch.  Throw your back out while getting lucky.  Afterall, you are a Pisces.