Aries
March 21 - April 19
Sometimes, you're late for
work. You drive a car and wear
clothes. Telemarketers call you during
dinner.
Taurus
April 20 - May 20
Venus is in Andromeda. Worse yet, your teenage son is in your
Saturn. The stars see danger.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Go back to bed and stay there
until the full moon.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
You are a middle-aged guy and
your hairs clog the tub. Stop combing
over and forget the hair implants.
Invest that money instead. The
interest will pay for a lifetime of crewcuts.
Go with the flow.
Leo
July 23 - August 22
Aries is rising. Sagittarius is ascending before the full
moon. Signs say your social life will
improve, but you must either stop biting your nails or stop picking your nose.
Virgo
August 23 - September 22
Your stocks will
plummet. Your spouse will leave
you. Your daughter will appear on your
boss' new porno tape. Bummer being you.
Libra
September 23 - October 22
The moon is rising in the
constellation Lexus. You are far too
concerned with impressing others. Take
that cigar out of your mouth. You look
ridiculous.
Scorpio
October 23 - November 21
You are an annoying person
and none too bright. You talk too much
yet never have anything important to say.
It's not too late to announce your candidacy.
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
You will contract an
embarrassing illness unless you send me large sums of money.
Capricorn
December 22 - January 19
The person you are lusting
after is gorgeous and half your age. You
will give it a shot anyway. Capricorns
are like that.
Aquarius
January 20 - February 18
When the moon is in the
seventh power and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets
and love will steer the stars.
Pisces
February 19 - March 20
Your career and love life
will begin to improve. Someone will
leave a can of deodorant in your desk drawer.
